Have you ever heard, “Life can turn on a dime”? Well, this morning mine turned on 2 quarters. I didn’t want to get out of bed…but I did…eventually. As I left the house I told Sylvia that I’m not liking today. I didn’t expound, but many things were heavy on my mind. As I was driving to work, I was thinking about things I needed to take care of and conversations I needed to have. I found myself feeling sorry for myself and mad because no one else seemed to (Remember, this was only conversations in my head). I was starting to hate life today, but still loved myself enough to go through the drive thru at Burger King. I had 50 cents in my pocket and after ordering, I pulled it out to get a paper (while still in this daze). The lady at the window asked for my money and I gave her the 2 quarters. She didn’t notice at first, but when I gave her my card and asked for my newspaper money back she just laughed a little.

My attitude instantly changed, I thought how foolish to talk to myself like I was talking to someone else. How stupid to hate life (even for a moment) when I love my life and everything about it. What an idiot to think I deserve the pity of others, and how sinful and selfish to wallow in my shame.

After thinking back on this morning, I also realized that 9 of 10 times the peron at the window would have looked at me stupid or even got mad as if I did it on purpose. But not her. She smiled, not to insult me, but to just to say, “I know the feeling”.

-Stephen G.

Tis but one leaf that I should see
Yet so many on that tree
Without this one the tree still grows
With what effect no one knows
At last it fails and falls to ground
This hidden gem I now have found
What cause to be should I see the final lasting fate
With no regard or knowledge so to join in that debate
This one time does reckon me and brings a cause to stare
I know not what this life has lived but I know that it was there

-Stephen G.

Life can bring us tough questions… but the eventual answers or perhaps just the journey to find those answers can take us by surprise. Why?… Why me?… Why now?… That’s just 3 simple ones, but there are plenty of questions we face. The one that is on my mind right now is, “Why has God made my life work out in a way that I would have it no other way?” I’ve always been a wonderer… a deep thinker. I’ve contemplated many complex questions and have produced better answers than… 42. But this one puzzles me.

“Why has my life played out like this?” And, “How am I ok with it?” I have PLENTY regrets. I have no college degree. I have no life plan or backup plan. Many things I’ve said, done, or just thought to myself I would like to give back somehow. I loved the National Guard and was good at it, but never was promoted to Seargent, because I was too lazy to lose weight. I could go on and on…

But, while I ponder these things, I start to get this sick feeling in my gut. No because of my failures, but because it could have turned out much different. Had I never left the Baptist church and went to CCC for a “temporary” position, Sylvia and I would not know some our closest friends in the world. Memories would be erased. If we had not moved to Indiana, we would have missed out on the Fall foliage, snow, more friendships that will last a lifetime, and four seasons. And, if we had never moved back, I wouldn’t know how to tile a floor and again we have already began to form friendships that we wonder how we ever lived without knowing them before.

Lately I’ve felt like a wanderer. I guess problems will come and go. I’m sure many regrets are still ahead of me. But, one thing is for certain… wherever I wander to will be a place I’m glad I didn’t miss out on.

“Even so, Lord, come quickly.”

-Stephen G.